Does getting divorced mean that in church you are a second class citizen? I certainly grew up in a church that implied this! So when a Christian ministry was my life and the D-bomb was dropped it seemed like everything was over…
I still remember the moment that those words ran through me and the bottom suddenly dropped out of my life, all sense of myself that I thought I had was shattered in a few little words. “I just don’t love you any more!”
I cried, I begged, I promised to change, I accused, I admitted transgressions – the flood of overwhelming emotions caught me up and tossed me around like a cat playing with a ball of yarn. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep my life had fallen apart. I knew that from that moment my life would never be the same. At the time I was working voluntarily full-time on a Christian website and magazine and the very moment I heard those words I vowed that I would give it up.
And I did, right at that very moment I let go of something
Going through a divorce is never easy. Sometimes it involves pain, mourning, sleepless nights and a million of thoughts. Sometimes it is just a thing you want to get over soon. Regardless of what your thoughts are then, rebuilding your life after divorce is not easily done and people who have gone through a divorce can agree with me on this.
Why you ask? Because not only it takes time, but you need to rebuild all the things you had before you divorced. Here are what you need to do in order to rebuild life after divorce:
- Mourn – it does not matter if you filled the papers for the divorce, a divorce is a loss. I am sure you never intended to break up with the person you married. At first, if you are the one who wanted the divorce, you will feel anger, but after a while, the pain will kick in. Let yourself feel remorse or pain or whatever you are feeling in that moment. The mourning part is a big piece of the letting go experience.
- Adapt – you will feel a lot
Many people who are considering divorce do not understand the advantages of mediation.
Psychotherapists, psychologists and marriage counselors sometimes recommend mediation for couples who considering divorce.
To learn more about how divorce works in one state, I consulted with and expert in the field.
According to Steven Rubenstein, a family lawyer with many years of experience, there are an abundance reasons to consider mediation since it can save you time, money and stress. Mr. Rubenstein who practices in Montvale, New Jersey explains mediation and it benefit in the following manner:
“Mediation has been an effective alternative to litigation for divorcing couples in New Jersey for many years. That more people do not take advantage of the opportunity to avoid the costly, time consuming and emotionally draining experience that litigation presents by choosing to mediate is unfortunate.
Aside from the far greater control over the outcome and cost that mediation offers, it also provides the spouses with a far less contentious, far more civil and more “hands on” option to create a solution at far less cost.
I have been practicing family law in New Jersey for more than 43 years.
Divorce can be fault-based or no-fault. Fault-based is if one of the parties did something which becomes a reason to break-up a marriage. These may include abuse, addiction, and adultery. No-fault divorce, on the other hand, is when no one is to be blame but both agree to end up their relationship.
Why Couples File For A Divorce
Lack of Commitment – Most couples said that this is main reason that their marriage did not work out. Based on a survey, 62% of exes said they wished their spouse should have worked harder to stay married.
Too Much Arguing – Among the main reasons argument can perpetuate is because you are not appreciating, understanding, or perhaps even validating the perspective of your partner. It is advisable that you appreciate a reality that is different from your own. This is a great way of de-escalating conflicts and figuring out the best solutions.
Infidelity – Cheating will certainly play a very significant role in divorce. Experts say that infidelity usually starts as a seemingly innocent friendship. It will oftentimes begin as an emotional affair, then after some time, it will
The divorce rate in the United States has been approximately fifty percent for decades.
So, one out of two marriages end in divorce.
Moreover, with the legalization of gay marriage and civil unions, there are likely to be more divorces, simply because there will be more marriages.
Many years ago, a very wealthy couple came to consult with this author to see if their marriage could be repaired through marriage counseling.
This couple was in trouble. The husband had discovered that the wife was having an ongoing affair with another man. In fact, he had video of her leaving a motel room at three o’clock in the morning on several occasions.
In addition, there was a lot of conflict between the wife and her in laws.
After seeing the couple about six times, they both came to the conclusion that it would be best if they would part company and go their separate ways.
They had three young children and substantial assets including several family businesses, a large house in one of the country’s wealthiest communities and a large number off shore bank accounts.
The husband was very angry with the wife
All those threats of divorce during an argument have finally taken their toll. The deceit, resentment, insecurity, rebellion, rejection, and more that takes place in a bad relationship can be quite overwhelming. Thoughts of divorcing someone start to increase with each passing day that you remain in a toxic relationship with a partner. Yet, before you start dreaming of what it might be like being single again, know that what appears to be easy for others, could be difficult for you
1. You will never be the same.
Once a partner leaks his or her thoughts to others, or maybe you are doing this, about separating or divorcing, the relationship is never what it used to be. Now if you and a partner choose to reconcile, there is always that possibility things will get better, but if you both prefer to let a connection fizzle out, neither of you will ever feel quite the same about yourself or relationships in general. Something changes emotionally, spiritually and/or physically when one goes through a challenging breakup. One’s body might experience the negative side effects like premature aging, obesity,
To say that many of us are in shock when our husband says he wants a divorce is an understatement. Even if we knew that our marriage was in trouble and we knew that our husband was thinking of leaving, it is still very shocking and upsetting when he utters the “d” word.
And frankly, many of us respond with both anger and sadness. It’s very easy to get defensive and mad. It’s normal to have thoughts like, “Who is he to think that he gets to make all of the decisions in the marriage? How can he discard us so easily? How can he so flippantly make this decision?”
As a result of all of these thoughts and feelings, many of us are tempted to lash out at him. A wife might describe it this way: “I am not sure how I am supposed to act toward my husband now. Two weeks ago, I was walking on egg shells, but trying very hard to be sweet. Because I knew that my husband was not happy. And I was trying very hard to turn things around.
We know that the divorce process is stressful and creates emotional turmoil. And we also know that experiencing the winter holidays for the first time as divorced or divorcing can spike emotions to a whole other level. Especially if you have children, how can you keep the holiday spirit alive in the midst of this emotional upheaval?
You have the advantage of receiving advice and coping skills to handle sensitively charged holiday situations and decisions. If you have not made the decision to use divorce mediation, or you are recently divorced, we have some recommendations for you to get through the holidays with your sanity and feelings intact.
Nothing will ruin the holidays more for you and your children, than fighting over holiday plans with your ex-spouse. We devote an entire mediation session to creating your parenting plan. This plan includes a holiday schedule for your children and your family celebrations. By having a plan in advance, you can greatly reduce potential problems.
If you do not have a plan yet, create a holiday schedule NOW. It gives you and your children an opportunity to work together
Marriage can have its ups and downs and with divorce rates of about 40% (higher for second marriages, and even higher for thirds), it’s easy to understand why so many couples consider divorce when their relationship is on the rocks. Infidelity, financial problems, children, abuse, and substance or gambling addiction are some of the most commons reasons why people divorce, as they feel betrayed, hurt, or unloved.
When considering divorce, at least one spouse (and sometimes both) is not ready for divorce. Here are a few questions to ask yourself before making this life-changing decision:
1) What are your needs and is your spouse meeting them? Do you know if your spouse is capable of meeting those needs? Before you file for divorce, commit to meeting with a therapist for several sessions and discussing your situation. Focus on your personal feelings and needs first, and then involve your partner in your therapy sessions when you’re ready to have an honest discussion and work on your relationship together. If you have very specific problems you want to work on, a family mediator may be able to help
Approximately 40%-50% of marriages today end in divorce. 10% of those marriages will end within the first five years, and many marriages began to falter after three years.
There are dozens of additional statistics surrounding divorce, including overall theories (the ‘seven year itch,’ etc.), and how children factor in when it comes to couples staying together or separating. What is certainly apparent, through all of these facts and figures, is that divorce has become more ‘popular’ than ever in our society. While most people go into marriages with high hopes, those hopes falter within a shorter and shorter amount of time, and it’s likely because the entire idea and option of divorce has become an easier process. It’s not as frowned upon, or as ‘taboo’ as it once was.
‘Untying The Knot,’ or the sheer idea of it, has actually become so common, there was even a popular television show with the same name, focusing on divorcing couples going through a specific type of divorce counseling/therapy.
What Is Divorce Therapy?
While we may not recommend showcasing the journey of your divorce on national television, there are benefits to
Financial stress and money problems are one of the leading causes of divorce across the country. It’s something which is argued about at some point by nearly every couple, and at certain times of the year especially. That includes the holidays, and of course, tax season. That’s why it’s important to take stock of how money issues and financial stress may lead to a divorce, while also looking at how else these matters may factor into a marriage, or a resulting separation and divorce.
According to one recent study performed by the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts, money issues were cited as the 3rd most common cause of divorce, occurring in 22% of cases as the primary cause of a divorce. While that’s a showcase for how often money leads to divorce, even that number may be low.
The most common cause of divorce, basic incompatibility came in at 43%. That incompatibility often derives from inherent differences in how money and finances should be handled. Common points of contention and incompatibility include issues such as how much to save versus how much to spend, long-term financial
Divorced – do you miss me?
This is a question asked only hours ago in an email from my ex-wife. I could not, or maybe did not, want to answer it straight away, as I was on business in China when I received it. However, it prompted me to think; when was it, that I was last a resident at the former marital home? That home, which is now the humble residence of said wife, with her husband of what must, by now, be around four months.
I recall that I left the house, when I could no longer stand its bitter atmosphere, on Saturday 27th April 2013. This followed a series of very unfortunate encounters, which had ‘come to a head’ with an early hours tussle and events on the previous Wednesday, when my schedule should take me to the set of Coronation Street at Granada Studios in Manchester. Following a stormy sequence of events over the course of several days before, I eventually remarked, on the Tuesday night and through sobs of tearful emotion that I did not want to go to work on
Divorce. For some this transition is the easiest thing in life. Some people have waited for the day they were finally divorced from their spouse. For others, it’s the most difficult thing they will ever endure. Divorce is a change, a huge change for everyone no matter if it’s a happy occasion or a sad one for the spouses, when children are involved it can get very messy.
Many parents are guilty of one thing, talking crap about the other parent in front of the children. Stop it. Your children are one half of the other person. You might hate the person you have divorced, but respect the fact that your children still love that person. “Love your child more than you hate your ex-spouse”. No matter how awful your divorce might have been, or even your marriage, repeat this to yourself often. It’s very difficult to be the bigger person, but it’s necessary for your child. You as the parents divorced for a reason. Even if the divorce wasn’t mutual, or was for a horrible reason, there was likely conflict involved. Likely the children
Going through a divorce can be overwhelming in more ways than one: your emotions will go up and down like a roller coaster for several months and you will feel pulled in many directions all at once. You also may have to sell your home and other property, find a new place to live, and adjust to being a single parent. Divorce can take a devastating toll on your financial, emotional and social health, but there are several ways to cope with the changes and instability:
1) Take Time to Grieve
A divorce is a loss and therefore requires grieving. It is important to take time to go through this grieving process and acknowledge your feelings. Remember that in time of divorce, friends and family will take sides, so not only be ready to let go of your spouse, but also of some friendships. This will add pain to the separation process but is a necessary step towards your new life.
2) Build an Emotional and Social Support Network
This is a crucial time to rely on your loved ones, whether it means your family and/or your friends,
Time For a Fresh Start
It might not seem like it at the time, but sometimes a divorce can be an incredibly good thing. I’m not saying this as someone who has actually been through a divorce; I’m saying this as a child of divorced parents. And as someone who is married to a child of divorced parents. We’ve seen our share of divorce, is what I’m saying, and it’s not always such a bad thing. In many ways, divorce can be something of a fresh start-a new beginning.
That is, if it’s done right. With all the emotions involved it shouldn’t be terribly surprising that sometimes divorce gets messy, and I think that’s where things really take a turn for the worse. Divorce can be messy if you aren’t prepared for it-and expensive.
Why Do People Get Divorces?
But once the divorce is complete, it lets two people go their separate ways. It gives them a new beginning. So why do people get divorces? Let’s look at some of the more common reasons.
Perhaps one of the primary stressors of any marriage is money. When two people
Listening to a friend recently who was totally miserable, married to a man who neither loved or respected her I found myself wondering why they were still together.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, when a marriage ends, the woman is the one who files for divorce two-thirds of the time.
So why doesn’t my friend leave her husband?
For a man, his main reason is:
- Lack of physical intimacy.
- Meeting another woman.
- He’s no longer no.1 (especially when children come along).
For her and many like her, the reasons are not always clear, women leave for very different reasons.
- Lack of, or no emotional connection. For a woman, there needs to be an emotional intimacy before a physical one. If there is no emotional intimacy sex is unlikely to follow. A husband needs to know what she’s thinking and how she is feeling, not always an easy thing to figure out!
- Miss matched Finances. Usually, the couple is going in different directions when it comes to money. One maybe a spend thrift the other cannot save. One may be a risk taker the other very conservative when it comes to
Like any avid reader of God’s Word, I’m just thrilled when something quite remarkable comes to my attention regarding a fresh and better interpretation of the biblical text.
In context of Malachi 2:16 – an historical proof-text that “God hates divorce” – the biblical Word may not, and does not in fact, appear to say that at all.
What this verse says in reality is not that God hates divorce under all circumstances, but that a man, “he hates and divorces his wife” with the presumption that he divorces (lit. “sends her away”) unjustifiably (where the only justification is notionally adultery) and therefore he does violence against her. This verse makes no sense if it says “God hates divorce,” because the second half of the verse is talking directly about the man who divorces his wife. The bulk of Malachi 2:16 is a conditional “if… then” sentence. The protasis (if… ) and apodosis (… then) always have the same context.
Anthony Petterson prefers, ‘”If he hates [her enough] to divorce,” says Yahweh God of Israel, “he [the husband] covers a violence on his garment.”‘  By going
Although many people assume that infidelity is the leading cause of divorce, the reality is that cheating is usually just a symptom that the marriage was failing long before attentions strayed.
There are many underlying reasons why marriages fail. Some are more obvious than others.
Financial Incompatibility – While a lack of money generally creates a stressful situation for married couples, what really drives them apart is when one spouse is a spendthrift and the other is a saver. Opposites may attract, but not when it comes to managing the marital finances. While things may sail along for a while, often the difference in approaches to managing money will eventually cause an irreparable rift.
Saying “I Do” For The Wrong Reasons – One of the surprising secrets in many marriages is that one partner had misgivings about the union long before he or she walked down the aisle. Whether it is family pressure, an unexpected pregnancy or some other reason, far too many people say “I do” out loud while their heads and hearts say ‘I don’t!” If you have reservations before you get married, they are
While you may be surprised when your spouse states he or she wants a divorce, there were likely dark clouds in the horizon, pointing to an approaching cold front. According to a recent survey, by Northside Counseling, there are 10 common behaviors which indicate divorce winds are blowing. Although not a clinical study, the survey results did appear to be consistent with what we have noticed over 15 years of practicing divorce and custody law.
1. Two or More Affairs
Spouses stray from the nest and engage in affairs for a variety of reasons, including falling out of love with the other spouse, lack of passion and excitement in the marriage or a feeling of not being appreciated by the other spouse. If spouse states that they believe in monogamy but inwardly believe it’s unrealistic, you’re likely in for two or more affairs. If your spouse has promised to stop engaging in affairs, it’s not enough. If a promise alone was enough, the wedding vows would’ve worked the first time around. Two or more affairs in a marriage are an indicator that your spouse may be